It is 12 hours after my second IVF egg retrieval and I am a mess.
At the time of my trigger shot, I had 4 “healthy, juicy” eggs (a fifth overgrew and was no longer considered worthwhile by my ultrasound techs). I also had 7-8 smaller follicles that “could be enhanced” by my trigger shot by the time I was ready for retrieval 36 hours later.
I don’t know what happened, by they only got 3. And I can’t help but be consumed with worry, frustration, and questions.
IVF Mind Games
Did I ovulate early? Well, they did start my retrieval 30 minutes later than my scheduled time.
Did I mix the trigger correctly? I had two Novarel 5,000 vials to be mixed together to make 10,000. Did I make a mistake?
Did I do something wrong during my stimming process? Maybe I could have cut back on the caffeine, ate more fertility boosting foods, or been a little more active.
Am I too stressed? There is a lot going on in my personal life.
Should I have asked more questions? Advocated for myself further? My estrogen numbers were good but still quite a bit lower than my first round of IVF, and I had high hopes that my smaller follicles would have enough time to catch up. I’ll be honest that there were a few times that I questioned my protocol… on the inside.
Was a case of “it is what it is,” and nothing could have changed my outcome this round? Maybe so, and if it is what it is, what does that mean for my egg quality? Was it just a so-so month, could my protocol be better, or something else?
My first egg retrieval was a success, but I supposed it wasn’t too different from my second. In my first round, I had 6 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized, 3 made it to day 4, 2 made it to day 5. One is my now 1 1/2 year old, and the other is frozen. Great numbers, according to my doctor. But how am I supposed to expect the process to go when I am starting with half this go around?
Will I be lucky to just get one embryo? Will I even get that far?
And to top it off, we are considering genetic testing for this round; what if it we do, and it comes back abnormal? Do I defrost our one frozen embryo and give it a shot or do I swallow my pride and do another full round of stimming to (hopefully) build up our bank?
I thought I knew the answers to some of these questions until I remembered that we only have enough insurance coverage left to cover one frozen transfer if this round is not successful. We don’t have enough coverage to go through a third round through insurance. So I suppose we would have to defrost our one little embryo and hope they stick.
That is, assuming this round is unsuccessful.
I know I am one of many IVF warriors out there, I know so many have tried so many more times, and I know that I am crazy fortunate to have any insurance coverage at all. But this is me right now, and I can’t apologize for it. I know there has to be someone out there feeling how I am feeling,
I am trying my damndest to be optimistic and manifest this pregnancy, but it is so, so hard. I don’t know where I am going with this post if not to share my experience and how I am feeling in this moment. I guess it’s therapeutic, if anything. Crossing all my fingers and toes.
*****
Update (next day): all 3 eggs were mature, 2 fertilized, day 3 fresh transfer scheduled
